Title: WARDER
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy Romance
Word Count: 108K
Query:
Someone is setting death-spells targeting mortals and
elf blood alike. With her mentor out of commission, it’s up to half-trained
Warder Mona Lisa Kubrek to stop the magic. Despite being told repeatedly her
job is to nullify spells and not go after the source, too many people are at
risk for her to not track the spell-caster down. Even meeting a sexy half-elf
shifter who may well be her mate won’t distract her from her goal.
Except Cart Dupree, called in by a high-ranking elf,
is fully trained and has the team to search for the evildoer, so she’d be
stupid to not use his expertise. Stupid is something she can’t afford to be,
not with her enemy’s henchmen after her. Later she’ll deal with Cart and his
questions about her special abilities and the non-standard training her mentor
has given her. Right now, they need to unravel where the magician is, and who
he is, before he builds enough power to decimate them all. First, though, they
need to stay alive.
First 250:
Her head bowed to the winter wind, Mona strode across
the parking lot to the mall, concern and curiosity now verging on dread about
Raine. Since the frantic call from her normally unflappable friend successively
worse scenarios flitted through her mind. Had she been mugged? Detained by mall
security? Why?
The wind slid under her collar and raised goosebumps
along her back. Fuck-a-duck it was cold! One day she'd move some place warm and
get out of Buffalo. As soon as she finished her training she planned to do just
that.
Avoiding the revolving door out of habit, she felt
trapped when she was neither in nor out, she yanked open the side door,
thankful to be out of the frigid temperatures. Quirks, all elves had them, she
knew she had a few more than most. Growing up outside the Folk enclaves, where
she might have learned about magic a lot earlier, hadn't helped.
Mona looked around, expecting to see the management
office since she'd been directed to use this entrance. Instead she espied Raine
on a bench at the far end of the hall. Mona was relieved for split second until
she took in her usually tidy friend's unkempt appearance. Poorly dressed for
the winter, she had no coat and wore open toed shoes and a loose, cap-sleeved
sweater over a lightweight dress. Huddled over, legs and arms crossed, the thin
sweater tented her body. If Mona hadn't known the woman, she would have avoided
her, and not just because she could see the glow of evil intent from a spell on
her.
I'm intrigued by the premise here. Sounds like a lot of fun. My only suggestion is to reword the first sentence of your query's second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
(I'm number 81)
A thought on genre - from your query and your genre label, I didn't expect a mall parking lot in Buffalo to be the opening scene. Perhaps calling it Urban Fantasy Romance would be more helpful? It took me a little by surprise.
ReplyDeleteQuery: I like your query and the book sounds very interesting and something I'd read. But perhaps ground it in Buffalo more.
250: This sentence caused me to stumble. "Since the frantic call from her normally unflappable friend successively worse scenarios flitted through her mind." How about "...friend, worse-case scenarios kept flitting..."
This is backstory. " Quirks, all elves had them, she knew she had a few more than most. Growing up outside the Folk enclaves, where she might have learned about magic a lot earlier, hadn't helped."
You've just shown us her quirk, don't waste time telling us too. You can show us the rest later. This first page is valuable real estate you don't want to waste on back story.
There are some typos in your 250. "Instead, she espied..." ... for a split second..." "... open-toed shoes..."
Love the description of Raine and the last sentence. Great tension.
Good luck!
Amy #73